In my mind, I had gone over and over again, how I would confirm with my Parents and Siblings, if my test came back positive. The order in which I contacted them, came naturally to me, it would be who showed the most interest in me, knowing what I was going through, unfortunately this will not make make the ones who showed the least interest to happy. I am the oldest of 3 Brothers and 1 Sister. My Parents are divorced and remarried. My Sister and Mother live out of state and my Brothers and Dad live locally. Now if I really followed my own rules in my head I would of contacted my Brother first, but since we communicated through text and contacting my Mom would involve an actual phone call, well I called my Mom first. I wasn't at work yet and I could have a private conversation in my car, it would just be easier.
I told my Mom what the doctor said, and I was feeling pretty good about how I was handling myself. Considering I cry every time I am by myself. She on the other hand started to crack, and I could feel it. I don't know if these were the words she used, but this is what I heard...I won't believe that is what it is until the specialist say that is what it is, cause it could still be anything else, and I will pray hard until that day, that, that is not what it is. This is hard for me and I will tell you why...she then proceeded to go on a rant about someone she knows who was diagnosed with Lupus and looks horrible and has been in the hospital for a year now. I told her (again) there are different kinds of Lupus and it effects everyone differently.
After the conversation, I felt like a kid that fell off a brick wall that I had been walking on and my Mom said, then you shouldn't of been walking on there! I have never liked that, why can't we just comfort people, use different words to make a point, say things a certain way...why why why. What about me and my pain, my hurt, my life? So, I was pissed for about a minute, but what did I expect, maybe some comfort, but I knew my Moms personality already.
I now feel like I needed some support, and Hubby has been awesome, and my kids have been great listeners but I need to speak with people who know what I am going through. This has now been clear.
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